


The Heist

by TheQueenInTheNorth



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 19:49:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12564872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheQueenInTheNorth/pseuds/TheQueenInTheNorth
Summary: Regulus thinks he should get more important missions. Voldemort thinks he's not ready. The only solution? A bet, of course. //brooklyn nine nine meets the death eaters//





	The Heist

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jinglebin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinglebin/gifts).



> i know you were probably kidding but LOOK i did the thing

"Three days? How did that take _three_ days?" Regulus regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth, but as everyone along the table turned to stare at him it wasn't as if he could exactly take them back.

Lucius looked deeply offended. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing,"Regulus said as appeasingly as he could manage. He didn't want Cissy on his case for hurting her husband's feelings, big baby that he was."I just - just thought it might've gone faster, is all."

"Oh?" Lucius didn't sound appeased at all."What would you know, with your kiddy missions?"

Sadly, it was hard to disagree with that.

"I could go on more important missions,"he blustered before he could think better of it.

Bellatrix was grinning at him from the Dark Lord's right, distinctly amused. The Dark Lord himself was anything but."You are not ready, Regulus."

A few snickers around the room. Barty looked sympathetic. Rod's face seemed to say _Well, what did you expect_. Rookwood clandestinely checked his pocketwatch. He had places to be, and a murder to make a point wasn't time efficient at all.

"Yes, I am,"said Regulus, cringing at how childish that sounded. _Are not. Am too._ "Just let me prove myself."

The Dark Lord started to speak, glanced at Bellatrix, sighed, and changes tracks."Very well."

There were some perks to being the favourite's cousin, he supposed.

"No mission just yet, though,"the Dark Lord continued. He accio'd a locket from the mantlepiece, letting it dangle from his long fingers for all to see."Steal this from me by midnight and we'll talk about your missions."

"I want Bella's next three missions,"Regulus blurted out. Well, in for a sickle, in for a galleon."And I want you to admit I'm an amazing Death Eater-slash-genius."

He could've sworn the Dark Lord almost smiled at that."Very well."

" _Excuse_ me?"Bellatrix said, with that tone that Tante Druella had used often enough for Reg's blood to run cold. Even Voldemort looked mildly concerned, but just muttered "Not now, Bella." before continuing towards Regulus,"If you lose, you take over all training of the new recruits for the next three months."

"Thr- three months?" Reg swallowed hard. Training the new recruits was a miserable job. Bella and Rod were the only two that managed somewhat well, which Regulus guessed had a fair bit to do with the recruits being unsure if they might kill them. Regulus was probably more likely to kill someone for annoying him than Rodolphus was, but he didn't look it. He took a deep breath. All eyes were on him. There was only one thing he could say."All right."

* * *

"Are you in my ceiling, Regulus?"

Regulus froze at the voice from below him."... No?"

"So that's your great plan?" The Dark Lord sounded almost disappointed."Waiting until I leave and lowering yourself down from the ceiling?"

"Who are you talking to?" Regulus shimmied along the narrow space some more."There's no one here."

"Well, just so you know, I've put the locket in a box I have personally enchanted and then locked that into the cabinet. And now I'm leaving for a meeting."

"What, is that supposed to scare me? I laugh in the face of adversary!" He waited, but no further reply. "Are you still there? I can't hear you. My lord, are you still - AAH!"

He really had thought the ceiling would hold his weight.

* * *

 "So, how's your unwinnable bet going?"Rodolphus asked. Regulus felt that was a rather unnecessary question, given that Narcissa had come in under much eyerolling and calling him an idiot to fix up his wounds.

"Well, I fell through a ceiling, but I aslo broke my arm, so there's that."

Another eyeroll from Narcissa."Why you made a bet with the Dark Lord I'll never know, but why not at least make one you could win? Like... who wears more women's robes."

"That was _one_ time,"he said, horrified. Then again, Bella had probably already told Rod about the whole thing."Ugh, you guys never let anything go."

"Cissa's right,"Rodolphus said, diplomatically ignoring mention of the Cissy's-clothes-are-nicer-than-mine-incident."The Dark Lord is one step ahead of you at any time."

"Well maybe I'm a time ahead of his steps!" He paused at the puzzled looks on their faces."Maybe I also have a concussion."

* * *

 "I can see you, Regulus."

"I'm not Regulus,"said Regulus, making sure his fake-moustache was still in place."I'm the new recruit... Hegulus."

"This is just pathetic,"said the Dark Lord, massaging his temples as if so much stupidity physically pained him."I'm not even counting that one. Did you even try?"

"There was supposed to be a diversion,"Regulus said."Timing issue, I guess."

Just then, Peter ran down the hall towards them."There's a fire in the meeting hall!"

"There really is. You might want to get down there and -"

"Why don't you take care of that, Hegulus?"

And he strode into his office.

* * *

 "My lord? Could you come out here for a second?"

He did, shutting the office door behind himself carefully."Yes?"

"Newbies! Now!"

They swarmed in. He'd told them it was a test to see who'd get to join. Probably none of them, since they had just inadvertantly taking his side against the Dark Lord in this bet. But if they were dumb enough to buy the idea of stealing the Dark Lord's keys being a test, then good riddance to them.

It took about thirty seconds for all new recruitment hopefuls to be cowed into submission and the Dark Lord holding his keys again.

"Could you just stop catching me?"Regulus complained."This is no fun."

* * *

 "My lord?" Rodolphus stood in the doorway."Regulus just tried to stab Severus so we tied him up in the meeting hall. Could you come deal with that?"

He sighed and got up.

* * *

 "Welcome to your defeat,"Regulus greeted as soon as the dark Lord entered the room.

He raised an eyebrow."Stabbing a fellow Death Eater. What were you thinking?"

"That he had slower reflexes. I got really exhausted, like, two minutes in. That guy can run."

"You know, I was aware you wouldn't win this bet,"the Dark Lord said, pulling up a chair across from Regulus."But now I not only question even letting you be a Death Eater at all, but also your intelligence."

"You need to stop underestimating me."

"You're tied to a chair with five minutes to your deadline."

"Which is where I want to be. Let me tell you a little story." He looked as smug as one possible could while tied to a chair."See, when I fell through your ceiling and needed Cissy to patch me up, I realised I couldn't do this alone. So I got myself some accomplices. While I was brilliantly distracting you as Hegulus -"

"Possibly the least brilliant thing I have ever seen, but continue."

"- Bella broke into your office, picked the locks, and broke most of the enchantments on the box. Peter gave her time to get back out."

"Bellatrix?"he interrupted."How the hell did you get Bellatrix to betray me?"

Regulus shrugged."I asked her if she wanted to help embarrass you and she instantly said yes."

"I'm not gonna lie. That turns me on a little."

"Hm. Wish you hadn't said that." Regulus pulled a face, then decided to ignore he'd ever heard that."Anyway, there was one spell she couldn't figure out and so I set of the explosion where Barty stole your keys -"

He leaned forward, intrigued."But you didn't need my keys."

"No, but you were so focussed on the keys you didn't notice Lucius took your wand,"he explained." _Priori Incantatem_ and voila - Bella knew exactly how to get past the last spell. Now we just needed you out of the office again, which is where Rodolphus came in. And then all we needed was for me to distract you for four minutes." He looked over at the large grandfather clock."Bella should be on the other side of that door holding your locket right now."

 Just then, his cousin stepped in, smirk on her face and locket dangling from her outstretched fingers.

Voldemort sighed."Regulus Black, you are an amazing Death Eater-slash-genius."

**Author's Note:**

> lets just pretend he put the locket in the cave after this lol


End file.
